Dr. Seuss's Scrambled Eggs Super!
Children's book review by Steve Barancik
Tackling the issue of men cooking
Management apologizes in advance for the political incorrectness of this review.
Everyone knows that men and women have different attitudes toward meal preparation.
Women cook. Men barbecue.
Women use ingredients. Men use secret ingredients.
Women aim to please. Men aim to win chili cook-offs.
Don't believe me? Listen to this one young man:
I don't like to brag and I don't like to boast,
Said Peter T. Hooper, but speaking of toast
And speaking of kitchens and ketchup and cake
And kettles and stoves and the stuff people bake...
Well, I don't like to brag, but I'm telling you, Liz,
That speaking of cooks, I'm the best that there is!
Why, only last Tuesday, when mother was out
I really cooked something worth talking about.
Looking a lot like an older version of the Cat in the Hat kid (whose mother is out yet again) Peter has it in his head to make scrambled eggs. And not just any scrambled eggs, but... (Review continues below.)
Scrambled Eggs Super-dee-Dooper-dee-Booper
Special de luxe a-la-Peter T. Hooper.
That, of course, will require some very special eggs.
Enter a whole lot of birds only Seuss could conjure, living in places only Seuss could conjure, requiring egg-collecting techniques only Seuss could imagine.
Then I went for the eggs of a Long-Legger Kwong.
Now this Kwong...well, she's built just a little bit wrong,
For her legs are so terribly, terribly long
That she has to lay eggs twenty feet in the air
And they drop, with a plop, to the ground from up there!
So unless you can catch 'em before the eggs crash
You haven't got eggs. You've got Long-Legger hash.
It should be noted that Peter is trying to impress a girl with his culinary exploits. (Depending on your gender, you'll either read her expression as wholly impressed or doubtful of his sanity.)
Scrambled Eggs Super!
Seuss captures perfectly the male compulsion to turn whipping up a meal into something we imagine people should buy tickets for. (Whether this is actually our fault or whether it's how we were tricked into the kitchen by our mothers, sisters, wives and girlfriends is a question I'll leave to the academics.)
The only way the good Doctor could have made it all feel any more apt is if he'd rendered Peter T. Hooper as an adult male, but of course kids' books feature kids. (Though it surely looks to me like Peter has a receding hairline.)
Scrambled Eggs Super is truly a forgotten Seuss classic (but not for vegans), barely remembered among all the amazing work Seuss did in the 1950s. And ladies?...
Don't tell your husbands and boyfriends why you think it's so funny.
Webmaster's note: The reviewer's secret guacamole ingredient is sesame oil. Don't tell anybody.
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